The CareALot Chronicles
by PetiteGrenouille
Summary: Edward is sent to Care-A-Lot to research their advanced combat techniques.
1. Chapter 1

"Since when do we care about light?" Edward asked flippantly, attempting to kick his feet up on Colonel Mustang's desk, but his short legs missing the mark completely. The chair fell back completely and it and Edward landed flat on the floor.

"Since we learned about a race that is able to use it to effectively defeat their adversaries. Please pick up that chair."

Edward begrudgingly picked up the offending piece of furniture and stood next to it, eyeing it warily. "What "race" are you talking about? And even if we learn more about them, what are we supposed to do about it? Light isn't exactly matter."

"Yes, I'm aware of that. The relevance being…"

"How are alchemists supposed to use light?"

"The same way we use toasters and toothbrushes. Not every aspect of life requires alchemy."

"Whatever," Edward muttered, rolling his eyes. He realized it was a mistake as soon as he saw Roy's death glare, so he promised himself he would tone down the sarcasm for the remainder of the conversation. Of course, this promise lasted about two seconds, because the next thing that came out of his mouth was, "And why do I have to go find them. I've kind of got a few other things on my plate. You might have noticed that my brother is still kind of a talking suit of armour and…"

"Elric, I would appreciate it if you watched your attitude. You have been given this assignment partially because nobody else wanted it, and partially because you are the only person little enough to fit into to the capsule we've constructed."

Ed felt the little hairs prickle on the back of his neck. _Little. LITTLE! He better not be serious! _ He looked up, a cold a bitter look clouded over his eyes. "I'm sorry, would you mind repeating that. I don't believe I heard you correctly."

"I believe you did," Roy replied curtly. "You're leaving tomorrow. Be here promptly, please. Noon."

Ed opened his mouth to protest, but the look on Roy's face clearly showed that any arguing would be very pointless and very stupid. Sighing silently to himself, he swivelled on the heels of his platform shoes and stormed out the door. As soon as it was closed, he promptly threw a hissy fit and punched the wall. With his right arm.

"I hope they don't notice the hole," he murmured to himself as he slowly trudged home. It looked like Al was going to have to hang out by himself for the next couple of days. He cringed at the thought. _If it's an assignment that nobody else wants, it's got to be pretty horrible._ He kicked a piece of shattered wall that was sitting in the hallway. _That's totally coming out of my pay._

The capsule was certainly cramped, even for him. When he had asked why it was so small, Roy had just said "budget cuts," and pushed him inside. Ed exhaled deeply, fogging up the glass inside. "Isn't it going to get really humid in here?" He asked suddenly.

Riza nodded. "Don't worry," she said. "The trip won't be long. Your destination is almost directly overhead."

"Wait, what?" Edward asked. "Do you mean I'm going to a land in the sky where they fight with light."

"Yes," Riza replied, looking somewhat pained. "It's called Care-a-lot. May God be with you. I mean it." With that she stepped back and pressed the button on the control panel, launching Edward up into the air.

There were few things Edward hated more than the feeling of having his stomach rush to his feet on a sudden take-off. That and losing limbs. And milk. He felt as though he were going to sick, but realizing that there was virtually nowhere to vomit in the tiny capsule, he decided against it. He clenched his eyes together and hoped that this horrible experience would be over soon. Really soon. Really really soo...

Suddenly he heard a soft thud, as kind of like the sound he would hear when Winry hit him with a pillow when she was all out of wrenches. Opening his eyes a crack, Edward could see that he had stopped moving, but he was confused. Why didn't he feel a thud? Assuming it was safe, he released the airtight seal, and the cover of the ship opened up. Tentatively he stepped out, and was amazed at how soft the ground was.

"The clouds?" He asked the air. For some reason, talking to himself helped fill the void of air. "I'm supposed to find a race of people in the clouds? Seriously?" He kicked a puff of cloud and watched, mildly amused, as it filled the air. "Why was I sent on a stupid assignment I don't even care about?"

"But you have to care!" A weirdly high-pitched voice filled the air. Edward tensed and instinctively looked for material to make a weapon. Nothing, just clouds and more clouds. Clouds were mostly water so…

Edward clapped his hands together and focused on drawing from the clouds, creating a long, narrow spear made out of pure ice. He tried to grasp it with his auto mail arm, but it slipped across the smooth metal surface and he dropped it. Bending down quickly, he grabbed it with his left hand, quivering slightly at the cold.

"Who's there?" He called. "If you don't step out right now, I'll come and kick your ass." For a moment everything was silent, and Edward started to sprint in the direction of the voice. The heat from his hand was causing the ice spear to melt around it, creating a makeshift handle. Suddenly a small figure stepped out from behind a patch of clouds. And started blasting rainbows at him.

Ed felt a shock of energy rushing through his body, pushing him back almost violently. All around him he saw obnoxiously cute pastel colours, peppered with hearts, stars, and various other shapes six-year-old girls would doodle on their test papers. The ice spear in his hands had melted completely. Too lazy and too surprised to fight back using alchemy, Edward started flapping his arms and screaming, "Okay, stop with the rainbow guns, I'm not going to hurt you."

The stream of rainbows did stop, and Ed was able to get a good look at the offender. It was a short bear, about half his height, and green. On his stomach he had a shamrock with four heart-shaped petals, and on his face the most annoyingly cutesy smile Ed had ever seen.

"Hi, I'm Good Luck Bear," the bear said, dusting off his stomach in the same way a person blows on a gun after firing. "Everybody needs to care about something."

"Oh, really," Edward said, his voice dripping with heavy sarcasm. "So blasting me with rainbows…IS THAT CARING? Because I just feel like I've been attacked with a giant beam of energy. I don't know about you, but where I come from, that is considered a cheap shot."

The bear stared at him with a look of pure confusion on his face. "You mean the care bear stare?"

"Oh, a stare! Is that what you call it? Last time I checked, staring implied use of the eyes. You just SHOT me out of your paunch."

There were a few moments of awkward silence, and then the bear spoke:

"Would you like a hug?"

"No! Stay away from me. Seriously, what is wrong with you?"

"Somebody's grumpy."

"Somebody is. Look, I'm supposed to go to a place called Care-a-lot. I was supposed to land there, but I'm pretty sure that this isn't it. Could you _please_ show me the way? Because I'm guessing you're one of the things I'm supposed to be talking to."

"I'm a Care Bear, and sure I can take you to Care-a-lot," the Care Bear exclaimed, getting more chipper by the minute. "Care-a-lot is a place we _all_ can go, whenever we choose it."

"Huh?" Edward was getting less annoyed and more confused by the second.

"Come with me," Good Luck Bear said, and grabbed Ed's hand. He tried to keep up with the bear's springy steps as he was led to what looked like a city made out of cotton balls and candy. As they got closer, he was able to make out the shapes of several other bears with different colours. He felt like he was spiralling into some bizarre nightmare that you'd get after eating too much candy. Oh well, he was here to learn about "light fighting," which he could only assume was that rainbow beam he had been nuked with. Might as well do it.


	2. Chapter 2

"Everybody, look, we have a new friend," Good Luck Bear called, cupping his hands around his mouth. "His name is…wait, what's your name?"

"Edward," Edward quickly said. "Edward Elric."

"His name is Edward Elric and he wants to talk to us. Everybody come and give him a nice warm, Care Bear welcome!"

An army of adorable little bears swarmed towards him, and Edward suddenly started to feel slightly panicked. "No, please don't, I don't really…"

His protests were drowned out by the sound of about forty or so bears joining hands in a circle around him and singing. Slow background music suddenly started playing, as if from thin air.

"Welcome to Care-a-Lot, this is our home

Welcome to Care-a-Lot, you're never alone

Because you always have friends who care

Welcome, we are the Care Bears."

The music stopped abruptly, and the bears all stared at Edward with eager, expectant looks on their faces. He assumed they wanted applause, so he began to clap slowly. The little bears looked at him with permanent smiles plastered on their faces. Except for one little blue bear, who looked like he was angry at life.

"Hi, so um, I'm Edward," he said slowly, trying to get over the fact that he had just witnessed the most bizarre welcome he had ever been exposed to. "I'm a state alchemist." _Wait, why am I saying this? They probably don't know what a state is, let alone an alchemist. _"I'm supposed to research your fighting tactics, I guess."

"Fighting?" One of the care bears stepped forward with a look of pure horror on his face. A few others fainted. "We don't fight. The only way to settle an argument is by sharing your feelings in a nice way and coming to an understanding by caring."

"Shamrock over here blasted me with a rainbow."

The bear who had spoken gave Good Luck Bear a stern look. "Good Luck Bear, why would you do that? You know the rules for the Care Bear Stare."

"He was running at me with a weapon," Good Luck Bear said sheepishly. "After he did this really cool thing. He turned the clouds into a spear. I don't know how."

The bear, who was a sort of golden brown with a red heart on his stomach, looked back at Edward. "You turned a cloud into a weapon?" He looked extremely interested. "How did you do that?"

"It's with a science called alchemy. But I'm actually here to talk about that thing…the 'Care Bear Stare'." Edward tried to explain. "I'm in the military and I'm supposed to be scoping out new combat techniques. The colonel sent me over to look into using light as a…weapon, I guess. So, could we maybe make this quick? I'd like to get home relatively quickly and I think I could achieve that if you just told me the secret right now."

"But we can't just tell you how to do the Care Bear Stare," said Good Luck Bear, grabbing his arm. "You need to…" His voice trailed off as he stared at his hand. He then made a fist a gently tapped Ed on the wrist. "This arm feels different."

"It's automail. It's a metal arm. My left leg is like that too."

"Why?"

"Long story. But why can't you just teach me how to the Stare thing?"

"You need to care," Good Luck Bear continued. "And you need a tummy symbol."

"You mean I need one of those tattoo things?" Ed asked. "Great. I'll just tell Mustang that I failed at this mission because I don't give a damn and I'm not inked with the wimpiest tattoos on the planet."

"We could give you a tummy symbol…"

Ed's teeth suddenly grated together. The thought of bringing home this deceptively painful method of attack was appealing, but the idea of having a smiley face stamped across his stomach was somewhat less pleasant. Maybe…

"Could I just bring back a couple of you guys with me? Not forever, just, you know, long enough so that you could give other people the tummy symbol things."

"Leave Care-a-lot?" One of the bears asked, recovering from a faint. "Who would want to leave this place?"

"I would," said the one that look angry at life. He was blue and had a rain cloud for a tummy symbol.

"Okay, that's one," said Edward. "Anyone else interested?"

A few bears stepped tentatively forward, and the leader bear looked at all of them. "Okay, I guess some of them want a new adventure, but I'll make you a deal. If you teach us this alchemy, we can come with you and grant the Care Bear Stare to whoever needs it. That's called sharing."

"Well, where I come from, it's called equivalent exchange, and I don't think I can do it. Alchemy takes a really long time to learn, and I don't know if I would be able to teach you. Besides, I don't actually want to stay here that long."

The leader bear nodded. "I see. Well, I'm very sorry, but I don't think we can help you. It's too dangerous leaving our home, and I want all of us to be safe."

"Okay…" Ed said. "So I'm supposed to just…go?"

"I suppose. Would you like a good-bye hug?"

"No-no-no-no-no-" But it was too late. A mob of bears clumped around him wrapped their fuzzy little arms around his leg. Once they all seemed to be hugged out, they quickly retreated and went back to frolicking through Care-A-Lot.

"Damn," Ed murmured as he started heading back. He knew he was pretty much screwed. Of course, if he explained exactly how undignified this "light warfare" was, Roy might be slightly more forgiving.

"Hey." A small, slightly raspy voice came from behind Ed. He turned around quickly, and saw the bear with the clouds on his torso.

"My name's Grumpy Bear," it said. "And I would really like to go with you. This place is boring."

"Really?" Asked Ed incredulously. "That's awesome. There's virtually no room in my capsule thingy, but it would be awesome if you came with me."

"We just have to leave quickly," said Grumpy Bear. "And please talk quietly."

The two started walking briskly in the direction of Ed's capsule, and then broke into a full sprint once they were far enough away.

_ Success! Maybe Mustang will appreciate how stupid this mission is,_ Ed thought. _This'll be interesting._


	3. Chapter 3

The ride home was ridiculously cramped. It had been tight enough on the way there, but now that there was a fuzzy blue posterior shoved in Ed's face, it was all the more unpleasant. Even though the ride took even less time than it had on the way up, it felt longer. Grumpy, who definitely lived up to his last name, didn't seem to want to engage in any sort of conversation, so Ed had to just close his eyes and wait for it to be over.

They landed with a thud on decidedly solid ground, which seemed to make Grumpy even grumpier, if that was possible. How this walking downer made it out there in happy land was a mystery to Ed. Pressing the release hatch, Edward shoved the bear out face first, and then stepped out after him, dusting the cloud fluff off his pants. They had landed in the launching area, but nobody else was around.

"Riza," he called. "Anyone?"

"Oh, Ed, you're back already," Hawkeye said, stepping out from the main building. "We weren't expecting you back already _what the hell is that?"_

Grumpy narrowed his eyes. "My name is Grumpy. What are you?" There was a long, awkward stare-off between the two before Riza broke eye contact and looked back up at Edward, who suddenly felt very tall standing next to the squat little bear.

"One of these guys blasted me with a rainbow, and it hurt," he explained, trying to ignore Riza's snickering. "Seriously, it was painful. None of them wanted to come with me except this guy, who's the only one that isn't constantly trying to give me a hug."

"I'm Grumpy," the bear mumbled.

"Sorry to hear that," Riza said brusquely.

"No that's by name. Grumpy Bear," Grumpy said, clearly annoyed. "And I only came here because home is boring. If I want to help you, I will, but if I'm not in the mood for it, I won't."

Riza rolled her eyes and looked up at Ed. "Is this really the best you could get, Ed?"

"Yes."

"Okay then," she said. "I guess we'll have to make do. Grumpy, would you be able to explain to me what Ed meant by 'shooting him with a rainbow?'"

"I am right here you know, you can just ask me," Edward said, completely ignored by Riza. "Nothing, okay."

"It's called a Care Bear Stare," Grumpy grumbled.

"And…"

"We use it when No Heart is attacking us, and other big things. It's really useful. I don't know why you're so interested. You need a tummy symbol to do it, and you need to be in the Care Bear Family to get one. Mostly." 

Riza looked back up at Ed, a look of utter disbelief on her face. "Is this seriously what Roy sent you to look into? Because there is no way I'm using any method of combat that includes the words 'tummy symbol.'"

Edward shrugged. "I'm just following orders. Don't complain to me."

Grumpy looked around, then stepped forward. "Does this mean I have to go home? I don't want to. Everyone makes fun of me for being grumpy. Which makes me grumpier. I don't know how they don't see the connection."

Ed looked up at Riza. "He is the least annoying of them. Maybe he can help us out."

"I'll help you out if you teach me the cloud-shifting magic. Then I can try to give you tummy symbols if you want. You really do need them if you're going to do a Care Bear Stare."

"It's called _alchemy,_" Edward said. "How many times do I have to say this? And again, it takes a long time to learn."

"I'm a fast learner. And since I'm the only Care Bear to come with you, you don't really have any other options."

Riza glanced briefly at Ed, then back at Grumpy. "Are all…Care Bears such good negotiators?"

"No, not at all," Grumpy said. "The last time I used sarcasm, half of the Care Bears fainted, and the rest just started crying. I learned from that, and since have pretended to have the intelligence level of a kindergartener. I don't know if I'm just different, or if the other Care Bears have to pretend to be idiots."

Ed stood agape. He could practically hear clichéd little crickets chirping in the background. Somehow he could not connect the image of "Would-You-Like-A-Hug-Good-Luck-Bear" with the fuzzy little downer who was capable of sarcasm.

"Okay then…" Riza said. "Would you like to come and meet the Colonel?"


	4. Chapter 4

"You're back early, Fullmetal," Roy said. The typical unimpressed look was on his face. "Can I assume this means the mission was a failure?"

"No," Ed said. "Well, sort of. I don't really know what you'd call it. I brought back one of the guys you wanted me to ta…"

"What?" Roy tensed up in the chair. "I did not want you to bring back anyone. It would not be convenient for us to have to house anyone. I had hoped you would take that hint once you realised that the capsule was only large enough for one person." He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then continued. "But I suppose it can't be helped. Where is this person."

"In front of your desk," said Edward coolly.

"Beg pardon?"

"He is standing right next to me as we speak."

"You're trying to tell me he's invisible?"

"No I'm trying to tell you that he's short. Actually short. Not just what some people like to call short."

Roy stood up slowly, leaning ever so slightly to catch a glimpse of Grumpy. As soon as he saw what appeared to be two fuzzy blue ears, he bolted back, slamming against the wall. "What _is _that thing, Fullmetal?"

Grumpy frowned and began to open his mouth, but Edward butted in. "He's a Care Bear. I'm pretty sure they're the people you're talking about, since one of them blasted me with a rainbow."

"Care Bear Stare," Grumpy muttered grumpily.

"Sure, Care Bear Stare, whatever," Ed said flippantly. "Either way, I was attacked with it. I guess I sort of deserved it, because I did kind of invade on their country, city, land, thing."

"Care-a-Lot," Grumpy said, a little louder this time.

"Sure, Care-a-Lot. But I don't know if the Care Bear Stare really counts as fighting with light. It looks like it, because it appears to be a rainbow, but it feels more like a force field. I was definitely being pushed back, and I don't think light could do that. I don't know if that makes sense, or if we could use that at all. And I'm not even totally sure. The Care Bears refused to tell me anything if I didn't teach them alchemy. And with all due respect, Colonel, I really didn't care about the mission enough to stay in that demented marshmallow playground for long enough to teach alchemy."

"I see," Roy said carefully, not taking his eyes off of Grumpy. "Does it…speak?"

"Yes, _it speaks_," Grumpy said, loudly enough for Roy to hear. "And _it _also has a name. It's Grumpy. You can talk to me. I'll give you the deal. I came here because I was bored of Care-a-Lot. I'd like to look around here, maybe actually have some fun or something like that."

Roy looked up at Ed, one eyebrow raised, and then sighed. "I really don't have time to deal with this right now. If you honestly think we have nothing to learn from…Grumpy, please just send him back."

"Wait, just like that?" Ed asked. As much as Grumpy's mere presence made him feel less mature, it didn't feel right to send him back the same day. "Colonel, permission I let him stay in Amestris for a few days, just to look around?"

"Granted," said Roy. "Just please don't let him get into any trouble. We have enough to worry about at the moment. And try to keep a low profile. The fewer citizens who see him the better."

"Thank you." Ed beckoned for Grumpy to follow, and they headed out into the hallway.

"Who was that guy anyway?" Asked Grumpy once he was confident that they were out of earshot.

"You mean the guy I was calling 'Colonel?' He's the Colonel."

"What's a Colonel?"

Ed stopped. "Are you serious," he asked. "Wait, you probably don't have much in the way of combat in 'Let's-Hug-and-Deny-the-World's-Problems-A-Lot."

Grumpy looked up at Ed blankly. Ed sighed, not wanting to explain the concept of war. Even though Grumpy was definitely the least frail of the Care Bears, Edward wasn't so sure he'd be able to handle the idea of killing anyone wearing a different colour of uniform. The two continued walking in perfect silence along the streets of Central until they stopped in front of the hotel Edward was staying in. "This is where I'm living right now," he said. "Just follow me. And try not to draw a lot of attention to yourself, I've already gotten a lot of weird looks."

The journey from the door of the hotel to the door of his room was actually pretty uneventful. Since the lobby was almost empty, Ed didn't have to whip out his pre-planned excuse that Grumpy was a new breed of chimera. It was when Ed opened the door to his room that the real chaos occurred.

"Oh brother, it's so adorable!" Al squealed, picking up Grumpy and hugging him. "Can we keep him please please please please please?"

Grumpy, who clearly didn't enjoy being hugged by solid metal, was gagging and flailing, but practically unable to speak.


	5. Chapter 5

"Get it off me get it off me get it off me get it…"

"AL" Ed yelled. "It's not a stuffy. I'm still not totally sure what he is, but just drop him anyway."

Al loosened his grip a little and looked down at the nearly comatose Grumpy. "Oh, um, I'm sorry."

Grumpy moaned with both pain and annoyance, and looked up Al. Glancing at Ed, he asked, "who exactly is this?"

"He's my brother Al."

"And why is he wearing a giant metal suit?"

"It's a hobby."

"Oh." Grumpy looked up at Al dubiously. "Okay then. Do you have any food?"

"Wait, you have to eat?" Ed asked, realizing how stupid he must sound as soon as that question left his mouth. "I mean, I guess I can order something from room service. What do you want?"

"It doesn't really matter. I doubt you have hugberry pies over here, so just order what you think I'll like." Grumpy hopped up onto the big red couch is the room and kicked his feet up on the arm rest. "Your colon didn't really seem to like me. Isn't he the one that wanted you to go to Care-A-Lot anyway?"

"He's a colonel, not a colon. And yes, he did want me to go, but I gather he thought you were a bunch of warriors. I think he was just kind of surprised by your fuzziness or something. He probably will still want to talk to you once he gets over your appearance. That's kind of why I asked you to stick around. You know, if you're okay with talking to him."

"Sure, I'll talk if you want me to. I don't think it will have any bad effects on me or Care-A-Lot in general. But you'll need to give me something in return."

"I'm letting you sleep in my hotel room and I'm buying you food. I also brought you down here. I think I've done my share. Now you owe me," Edward said, teeth gritted. There was no way he was letting a lump of blue fur boss him around, even one called Grumpy. Especially one called Grumpy.

"No, here's how it's going to work," Grumpy said, sitting up. "You needed somebody to come back with you, so I technically did you a favour by coming, and since you insist that you have done me a favour by bringing me here, that would make us even. Now, if you want me to help out this colonel guy, that puts me one above you. Get it?"

"No, I don't. I'm still buying you food."

Grumpy sighed, and went back to lying down on the couch. "Okay then, maybe the armour guy will teach me the magic stuff."

"_Alchemy," _Ed yelled. "Seriously, I don't get why it's so hard to remember one stinking word. It's called alchemy, and for the last time, it takes a very long time to learn. Look, you already said that showing us the Tummy Symbol thing wasn't going to adversely affect you at all, so why don't you just show us, get in some sightseeing, and then head home before the other Care Bears start to worry about you and send in some demented search party?"

"Brother," Al said in his small voice that was far too adorable for a giant suit of armour. "I wouldn't mind showing him some stuff. Really, it's okay."

"Al, he wants to learn alchemy."

"I can just show him the basics," Al pressed on. "I don't expect him to be transmuting anything, but it's only fair."

"I like the armoured guy," said Grumpy. "Start teaching me stuff now!"

"Um, okay," said Al. "Well, um, the basis of all alchemy is understanding, deconstructing, and reconstructing matter. You learn what something is, break it down into its basic parts, and then rebuild it in a different form. Equivalent exchange is really important. You can't make something huge out of something small, and you can't change something organic into something inorganic. Stuff like that."

"Okay, I guess that makes sense," said Grumpy, trying to look pensive. "So how do you do the changes?"

"Transmutations," Al corrected. "You need to draw circles with special runes. Well, my brother doesn't need to, but almost everybody else does. You need to draw special runes in the circles, and each rune does a different type of transmutation. See, if I do this," Al took out a piece of paper and drew a series of triangles. "I could transmute this vase on the table into anything made out of the same basic elements as the glass it was originally made out of."

"You mean like this?" Grumpy asked, putting his paws down in the middle of the circle.

"Yeah basically, except it takes a lot of pract..."

Right in front of Ed and Al's eyes, the vase began to shift. Suddenly, a small glass likeness of Grumpy was staring back at them through cold, clear eyes. Silence hung in the air for what seemed like an eternity, before Grumpy looked up with a perfectly oblivious face and asked, "Like that?"

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b," Al stuttered, staring at the little glass Care Bear with as much shock as his armoured face could convey.

"_How_?" Ed whispered. "That's not possible. That was just a trick. You didn't just actually do alchemy."

Grumpy shrugged. "It was pretty easy. I'm not actually sure what I did, but apparently I could do it."

"That's definitely alchemy, brother," Al said. "But I don't get it. There's no way he could have learned it that fast. Are you sure he hasn't done it before?"

"Of course he hasn't done alchemy before, he's a Care Bear," Ed snapped. "I don't get it, this is just impossible. He must have…"

He was cut off by a knocking at the door.

"Fullmetal, it's me," Roy's voice through the door. "If you're there, open up."

"What's he doing here," Al whispered. "What did you do?"

Ed shrugged, turned the door handle, and let Roy in. "Why are you here, Colonel," he asked.

"It has been brought to my attention that I was a little too hasty back in my office. As the bear thing is still a member of the species I asked you to research, I believe we can still use him for information. Providing he is willing to talk."

"Oh, I think he'll be willing to talk," said Ed. "He owes us that much."

Roy raised one eyebrow, which Ed took as a request to elaborate.

"Al just taught him alchemy. Which he learned in about forty-seven seconds."

"Fullmetal, I'm really not in the mood for your sarcasm this evening."

"No, I'm not kidding," Ed quickly said. "Grumpy, transmute something again. Use the same circle."

Placing the glass Care Bear back into the centre of the circle, and put his paws down. As he closed his eyes, electric blue light encircled the object, and it began to shift, this time into a likeness of Roy Mustang.

"See," Grumpy said, but he got no reply. Roy was just staring blankly at the little glass version of himself, his mouth hanging open like a fish.


	6. Chapter 6

"I don't think it's fair," Ed grumbled, sprawled out on the floor. Normally he'd opt for the couch, but situations never seemed quite so bleak when he was on a comfortable surface, so it made it far more difficult to whine effectively. "Really, how can a person become a state alchemist that quickly?"

"He definitely has raw talent, brother," Al said. He was sitting on the couch, flipping through a travel book. "Hey, guess how many automail shops Rush Valley has?"

"I really don't care Al. I just don't think it's fair. It should take more work to become a state alchemist. And besides, do you think anyone is going to take a Care Bear seriously? I mean, he's a fluffy blue bear, and he now has the rank equivalent to that of a major."

"Brother, I think you need to calm down. Grumpy seems really happy. Or at least as happy as someone named Grumpy can be."

Ed sighed deeply. Why did Al have to be so…reasonable? "Well," he said, dragging his fingers along the cream-coloured carpet. "I think he's wasting the money he's earning. He spent a good chunk of his research account on oranges and a giant trampoline."

"Wait, what?" Al asked, lowering the book slightly.

"I'm serious. He shoved all the furniture in his hotel room aside to make space for it. This is such a joke; he doesn't care about the military at all, and seems to think that this is a game."

"We don't really care about the military either," Al pointed out.

"That's different. At least we have a goal. He's just acting like this is a party. And he looks absolutely ridiculous in that uniform."

That part, at least, was true. Grumpy had really wanted a uniform like Mustang always wore, so transmuted himself one out of a patch of blue fabric. He then proceeded to strut back and forth in the halls like a complete idiot, as if waiting for someone to command him to save the world. And it was true, he was clearly enjoying it. He didn't seem anywhere near as grumpy.

"Brother, let's face it," Al said, infuriatingly calmly. "Either he's going to get his act together and do something incredible for his inspection, or he'll be fired and have to head back to Care-A-Lot. Why can't we just humour him for now?"

"Fine. I'll tolerate it," said Ed. "But I will point and laugh _when_ he gets fired."

"A little jealous?"

"No! I just can't stand him."

"Which is why you invited him to our hotel room the other day."

"I could sort of stand him then."

"Mmhnm."

"Just shut up."

"Okay the…_what was that_?"

"What was what," asked Ed, craning his neck to look up at his brother.

"There was a flash of light. It looked kind of like a rainbow, only a lot brighter," said Al, staring out the window.

"Probably Grumpy showing off his Care Bear stare, or something," Ed said, going back into a reclining position on the chair. "Which, reminds me, he hasn't exactly lived up to his end of the bargain."

"I think he'd be willing to," said Al. "It's just not a lot of people want to have a tummy symbol. I was thinking maybe I should get one on my armour, so that when I get my real body back, I won't have to still have it. Um, brother."

"Yeah?"

"I think you might want to come and look."

Ed stood up, brushed some of the cheap carpet off of his pants, and came to the window. Al definitely was right. A giant boat made out of clouds had landed in the middle of Central, floating down a rainbow. Some citizens were running for their lives, while others who didn't find the sight of a cloud boat particularly threatening came closer to see exactly what was going on. It had been a long time since anyone had seen anything so sparkly in Central.

Ed and Al watched agape as a parade of Care Bears started marching through the streets of the city. Edward felt the colour drain from his face as he was able to recognize several of them. "Hey Al," he said weakly. "Remember what I said about the Care Bears sending in a demented search party? I think this is it."

"Oh."

The two brothers stared out the window, frozen by the absurdity of the situation. Ed could only assume that they were here to search for Grumpy, considering how reluctant they had been to follow him in the first place. He wasn't sure if he should go down to talk to them, or if that would just result in him being blasted with a giant collective Care Bear stare.

"Should we just let them find Grumpy?" asked Al. "I don't think they're really going to do any harm."

"That's _him_!" A bear exclaimed, pointing a fuzzy green finger up at the Elric brothers' window. Edward recognized him instantly as Good Luck Bear.

"Dammit, Al, get down," Ed yelled, crouching below the window. He was pretty sure that he knew what was coming.

"Care Bears countdown, five, four, three, two one," at that, all Care Bears conglomerated together and fired a gigantic, sparkly rainbow right at the window. If Edward thought the pane of glass was enough to hold back light, he was wrong. The glass started to shake, and then shattered into what seemed like thousands of tiny pieces that rained down on him and Al. The stream of rainbows continued through his hotel room, chipping away at the wall on the other side.

"Brother, what is this," Al whimpered.

"It's that thing I was trying to tell you about. The Care Bear Stare. Come on, let's go find Grumpy. He's probably what they're looking for, so if we hand him in, we can put a stop to this."

Army crawling along the floor of the room to avoid the blast of the Care Bear Stare, Ed reached up with his automail arm and turned the door handle. Hoping to see an empty hallway, he was instead faced with an entire battalion of what looked like a deranged subset of Care Bears, if the Care Bears could get any more deranged.

"Where's Grumpy?" demanded a Care Bear-ified lion. "The Care Bears told us that you kidnapped him. Tell us where he is, and we'll go."

"Wait, you aren't Care Bears?" Edward asked quizzically.

"We're Care Bear Cousins," the lion said. "You didn't answer the question. Where is Grumpy?"

"Probably at OW!" Ed pulled his hand out from under Al's foot. "Geez Al, what was the point of that?"

"I don't know where he is. Probably somewhere around town. We can split up and help you look," Al said, ignoring Ed completely."

The lion raised one bushy eyebrow. "Alright," he said. "But only you. The short one kidnapped Grumpy, and we don't want him around."

"HeyI'," Ed yelled, flailing his arms around as Al held him back.

"I'll join you in a second; I just need to get ready. I'll come and help you look in a second. And don't worry, I'll leave him behind." Al closed the door on the lion, and then turned to Ed.

"I'm amazed at how gullible he is," he whispered as quietly as possible. "He doesn't find it at all suspicious that I'm hanging out with a 'kidnapper.' That makes it easier, I guess."

"What are you talking about, Al," Ed whispered back. "I'm really confused."

"We're going to go and warn Grumpy," Al said. "Quick, get into the suit of armour."


	7. Chapter 7

"Just be quiet. Really quiet," Al said. Ed pinched his lips shut. Usually he was the one telling Al what to do, so he felt slightly indignant. But knowing that Al was probably right, he obliged. Since he couldn't see anything from inside the suit of armour, he just had to listen carefully to know what was going on.

The door creaked open, and Ed could hear Al's soft voice saying he was ready to go look.

"Alright," said the lion. "Do you want to come with us?"

"I think it would be better if I went off on my own. We'll cover more ground that way," Al answered.

"Okay," the lion said, and Ed felt that he and Al were starting to move down a long flight of stairs. It was bumpy, and he had to hold his head in his hands to cushion it against the hard metal.

"Could you be any softer, Al," Ed complained. "I'd rather not have a concussion from something this stupid."

"Be quiet," Al whispered. "They're not that far away. And I'm going as slow as I can. Just be quiet."

Ed sighed, and then tried to get himself into a comfortable position he could hold, but he instantly was thrown out of it when Al started sprinting towards Central.

"Al, what the hell are you doing?" Ed sputtered.

"Getting to Central Command. And I told you to be quiet."

This continued for what seemed like an eternity before Al stopped abruptly, and then began walking. "We're in Central Command now," whispered Al. "I can let you out."

Ed tumbled out from the chest cavity and landed hard the carpet, staring up at the ceiling. "Owwww…"

"We need to look for Grumpy now and tell him that everyone's looking for him."

"He probably already knows," said Edward. "There aren't many other explanations for a giant rainbow boat to fall from the sky."

"I guess so, but I think we really need to focus on finding h…"

"…Armour person?" A quiet, slightly hoarse voice came from behind a door. "We're in here."

The brothers snapped their heads to the door to see that it was slightly ajar. Stepping into the room, they saw that Grumpy was sitting in the middle of the floor, and Roy and Riza were gazing out the window with mildly concerned expressions on their faces.

"Fullmetal," Roy said, not turning to face Ed. "Do you have any idea what's going on?"

"They've come back to look for Grumpy," Ed replied. "And I gather they're going to be the cause of a rainbow apocalypse if we don't solve this pretty soon. Grumpy, would you by any chance be willing to just walk up to them, say you're sorry, and go back home?"

"No. Why do you think I came here in the first place," Grumpy snapped. "I hate it there. It's boring."

"You might have noticed Amestris isn't exactly an ideal place," Ed retorted. "If a country has an entire city dedicated to prosthetics, that does tell you something about the place."

"I still like it better here. I get to have a job."

"You don't do anything, though."

"I could."

"But you don't."

"But I could."

"Fullmetal. Grumpy," Roy interrupted. "I think figuring out what to do about the Care Bears is more important right now. Grumpy, if you are adamant about not returning to your hometown, we need to get rid of the Care Bear army."

Ed tried to repress a snort at the utterance of the phrase "Care Bear Army," and was met with a death glare from Riza.

"What do you mean 'get rid of,'" asked Grumpy. "I don't want to go back, but I don't want them to get hurt."

"Don't worry," said Hawkeye. "We don't intend to hurt anyone. We just need to get them away from Amestris. If we simply hide you, they'll spend forever tearing up the town before they give up and leave. To face them off would mean we could neutralize them and send them back with minimal damage."

Grumpy nodded, his expression blank.

"You like being a state alchemist so much, you're going to need to learn about going into battle," said Roy. "Be glad you're not going to need to kill anyone."

Grumpy nodded again, this time more solemnly. "I understand. And I think I can help."

"How?" asked Hawkeye, cocking her gun.

"I don't know how well shape-shifting magic-"

"-alchemy."

"I don't know how well _alchemy_ works against a Care Bear Stare, and Care Bear Stares are only really powerful if a lot of people do them at the same time. I'm not sure if I could do it really well, but I might be able to give you guys tummy symbols, just to be safe."

An awkward silence filled the room, and one could almost hear the thought process going through everyone's head. While Grumpy's offer was tempting, all of them knew that their dignity would plummet like a rock if they actually accepted it.

"I get it if you think it looks stupid," Grumpy said sheepishly, looking back out a window. Rainbows were shooting around like lasers.

"Wait," Riza said, stepping forward. "Can you make one of those things out of an already existing mark?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Grumpy.

"What if it's not on the stomach?"

"It might work. Why?"

"Would this work?" asked Riza. Turning around, she quickly and unceremoniously unbuttoned her jacket, and lowered it down to reveal an ornate tattoo on her back.

"It's my father's flame alchemy research. It's been damaged, so it isn't of much use anymore. I don't see any reason not to use it for a Care Bear Stare."

"Wow," said Grumpy. "That's three or four times as big as a normal tummy symbol. You could probably get a really powerful blast out of it." He stopped, appearing deep in thought. "Usually we need something to draw on, and then we transfer it onto the Care Bear, but I think I might be able to use alchemy ."

"Okay, whatever you say. Colonel, is there a problem?" Riza demanded.

"No, nothing," Roy muttered, clearly embarrassed. He proceeded to stare at the floor for the remainder of this chapter.

"Does anyone have a pen?" asked Grumpy. "Oh, never mind, there's one." He picked up the small fountain pen in his paw, and then contemplated the tattoo on Riza's back. Gently he started to draw a transmutation circle within the tattoo, and then placed his fuzzy paws in the middle of it. There was a flash of blue light, and Edward could see Riza flinch slightly, and then the light died down.

"Is it done," Riza asked, craning her neck around. "Is there any way I can test it?"

"Yes it's done," said Grumpy. "But the thing with tummy symbols in that you can only perform the Care Bear Stare if you, you know, care."

"You use that verb so often," Ed blurted. "What constitutes 'caring' anyway?"

"I honestly don't know," Grumpy replied. "It seems to mean something different down here. But either way, you now have a tummy symbol. Or back symbol, I guess. And if it works, great, if not, we can try to use alchemy. Okay then. Unless anybody else is willing to sacrifice their dignity, I think we're ready to send all the other Care Bears home."


	8. Chapter 8

Ed couldn't decide if they looked extremely cool or extremely pathetic as the five of them walked out of Central Command in line formation. He knew they definitely looked more like a bedraggled, may-tag bunch than a troupe of hardened soldiers, but he wasn't totally sure if they were pulling it off or not.

Another thing he wasn't sure of was whether the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins looked adorable or terrifying. There was a vast number of them lined up, sticking their guts forward in what appeared to be attack positions. At first they had scowls plastered on their chubby, fuzzy faces, but once they saw Grumpy stepping out from behind Al, several of them cracked smiles.

"Grumpy," exclaimed Tenderheart. "We're so happy you're safe! Run to the ship, and we'll try to stop them from following."

Grumpy glanced up at Ed and Al. "Do they seriously think that you guys kidnapped me?"

"Uh, yeah…" muttered Al. "I didn't mention that?"

"No, I think you forgot that little detail. That explains what all of this is about. Maybe if I talk to them it'll clear this up."

Grumpy stepped forward, taking special care to smooth the lapels on his uniform. "Hi, everyone. Um, this is a little bit awkward, but I wasn't actually kidnapped. I kind of wanted to come here."

A hush fell over the crowd. Nobody seemed to be able to think of anything to say to that until a Care Bear that Ed recognized all too well with a red heart tummy symbol spoke up. "Grumpy, why would you do that? We were all worried."

"I was bored. I wanted to come here," Grumpy explained. "And it's been really fun. I have this uniform, a trampoline, and all the oranges I can eat."

The leader bear clenched his fuzzy fists and narrowed his eyes. Ed wasn't aware that Care Bears were capable of anger, but it was so clearly stamped on that bear's face. "Grumpy," the bear said. "You belong in Care-a-Lot with us, not down here. Now. Get. Back. To. The. Ship."

"Are you…actually angry?" Grumpy asked, incredulously.

"It's okay to be angry, as long as you don't hurt anyone while you are angry. I forget which episode we addressed that in, but clearly you weren't paying attention."

"Of course I wasn't paying attention. I don't like being a Care Bear."

A penguin fainted.

"You just made Cozyheart Penguin faint!" the leader bear exclaimed. "Grumpy, I'm sorry that you don't like being a Care Bear. We can talk about that when we get to Care-a-Lot. Now _please_ get to the ship."

"No."

"Grumpy, if you don't want to cooperate, we'll have to use the Care Bear stare. And I would really rather not use that on a friend."

"Go ahead. I'm pretty sure the five of us could beat you."

"Grumpy," Ed whispered. "There are five of us, and I'm not even going to bother counting how many of them there are, but there are a lot. You confidence in us is flattering but I'd really rather not be squished by rainbows. My dignity's already in shambles from this whole ordeal."

"Don't worry," Grumpy whispered. "Riza's tattoo is big enough to be pretty powerful. And more importantly, they don't have alchemy."

"It's not an all-powerful art, you know that, right?" Edward hissed.

"I know. But keep in mind I don't actually want to hurt them. If we could just hold them back to prove that we can't be taken easily, I don't think that that would be a problem."

"Whatever you say," Edward muttered. He didn't want to trust the infuriating little bear, but he Grumpy did certainly sound sure of himself, so he figured he might as well take a leap of faith. It's not like the Care Bears and Care Bear Cousins could inflict any harm on him.

Grumpy looked back at the other Care Bears and said, "We have agreed. Whoever wins this Care Bear Stare gets their way."

"B-b-b-but, Grumpy," Cozyheart penguin stammered, apparently having regained consciousness. "We don't want to fight you. We don't like fighting."

"Tell that to Tenderheart," Grumpy said, motioning towards the leader bear.

_His name is Tenderheart?_ Edward thought. _Not very aptly named._

Cozyheart looked pleadingly at Tenderheart, who just shook his head. "Grumpy Bear needs to be taught a lesson," he said.

"That's not very Care Bear-esque of you," Edward taunted.

"And what would you know about being a Care Bear?" Tenderheart retorted, his hands on his hips. "You definitely are not one."

"From my brief visit to Care-a-Lot, I learned that being a Care Bear means not fighting. When I mentioned the word "fight" about half of you guys fainted. Now it seems it was all an act. You don't seem to be very caring right now."

"I _am_ very caring," Tenderheart argued. "So caring that I am not willing to let Grumpy stay behind with all of you mean people. Now get ready for a Care Bear Stare-off. Not that I see how you can win. Only one of you has a tummy symbol."

Grumpy smiled subtly, and then backed up. "Riza," he whispered. "Now might be a good time to take off your jacket. You did put on that low-backed tank top, right?"

"Yes, of course," she replied, quickly unbuttoning her jacket and then throwing it down next to Roy Mustang's feet. The Colonel did a brief scan with his eyes, but looked away as soon as he caught Riza's glare.

"Okay," said Grumpy, and then raising his voice: "Care Bears Countdown. Five, four, three, two, one!"

A giant beam of combined rainbows came streaming from the band of Care Bears, pushing the five back with considerable distance. Grumpy was Care Bear Staring with all his might, but nothing was coming out of Riza's giant tattoo. Knowing that they weren't going to succeed at this rate, Edward slammed his hands together and created a wall out of the sidewalk, protecting them from the blast.

"We're going to need to fight with alchemy," Edward said. "They're squishing us there. I honestly don't care if it seems sporting or not, I don't like losing, especially not to things that look like the toys Al played with about the same time he was sucking on pacifiers."

"I was sucking on pacifiers when you were about two, Edward. I don't think you could possibly remember what toys I played with at the time," Al retorted.

"Fullmetal, Alphonse," Roy said. "I hate to break up this touching moment, but the Care Bear Stare is actually _chipping away at the wall, _so maybe we could focus on the situation at hand."

"Fine," Edward said begrudgingly. "Okay, Riza, why weren't you doing the stare?"

"I was trying," she snapped. "But nothing was coming out."

"It's possible that I made a mistake while I was doing the alchemy," Grumpy said. "But it felt like I was doing everything correctly, so I doubt it. No, I think it's just because you don't care enough."

"I do care," she said. "My city is under attack."

"Maybe there needs to be something you care more about," Grumpy suggested. "In Care-a-Lot, we really care about everything, from our homeland to what we're having for dessert. Here everyone seems to be hiding what they really care about. Maybe when you find out what that is, you'll be able to do the stare."

"I wish you had told me that sooner," Riza said, cocking her gun. "It's part of my training to not be overly emotional. I doubt I'll be able to use the stare at all."

"Lieutenant, please put away your gun. We don't actually want to hurt any of them," warned Roy.

"I'm aware of that Colonel. I don't intend to aim for any of them, but the sound of a gun might just scare them away."

"Not if they don't know what a gun even is."

"Good point." Riza stuck her gun back in her belt. "But there isn't a lot that you can do, either. Flame alchemy is even more likely to critically damage a person than a bullet."

Roy winced, clearly not liking the fact that he was useless. "Fine. Fire, but well enough away from the bears."

"So now we have one tummy symbol, three alchemists whose alchemy we can ethically use, and one sniper who isn't allowed to snipe. Excellent," said Edward. "We are doomed."

This was supposed to be my last chapter, but considering how slowly I'm writing this moronically long crack fiction, I think I should just stick this up now and write the actual ending when I have time.


	9. Chapter 9

Edward pressed his palms together, and created a pedestal out of the ground, rising up above the Care Bears. The main idea was to create a trickier angle for them to aim at, but he also liked the idea of the added height. It would make them look more intimidating.

From his high platform, he looked down at the army of bears, trying frantically to think of a way to fight them without actually hurting them. He secretly wished he were fighting some ruthless criminals or homunculi. At least then he would be able to strike to kill. Now he had to pussy-foot around, hoping that they'd get bored.

Again he stuck his hands together, and used the stone from the street to create a thin wall in front of the Care Bears, hoping to temporarily block the blast from the Care Bear stare, but it was almost immediately ineffective. The wall started crumbling from the force of the Care Bear stare. Soon it fell completely, allowing the full force of the rainbow of death to come shooting through.

"Fullmet…" Mustang started to say, but the blast hit them before it could get through. Edward quickly created a wall to block any further blast, but it still had hit them.

"This is impossible," Al moaned. "Since we can't fight full force, we can't really beat them. Unless we could find a way of making it stop…"

"…It's sweet," Mustang interrupted.

"What?" They all asked in unison.

"I had my mouth open during that blast, and it's sweet. Like, sugar." He glanced sideways at the wall that Edward had created. "I've got an idea. Stand back, this is going to be extremely hot."

Before anyone could question his actions or protest, Roy stood up on the edge of the wall and snapped his fingers. A giant wall of fire shot from his hands, counteracting the Care Bear stare. For a moment it seemed as though no progress was being made; the Care Bear stare and the fire were cancelling each other out. Until, Alphonse peeked around the edge of the wall and yelled, "Look!"

A strange thing was happening where the fire and Care Bear stare were meeting. A sticky brown substance was forming and dripping down onto the ground. As Roy's fire power was overtaking the Care Bear stare, more and more of the viscous brown liquid formed and landed on the ground. With one last final blast, the Flame Alchemist shot the hottest fire he could muster up, and then stopped. The Care Bear stares had were no longer coming.

"What's going on," Tenderheart demanded. "What happened to our Care Bear Stares?"

Roy just flashed an extremely cocky and annoying smile (Or it would be annoying if he weren't a total babe) and looked down at his work. "I doubt it's permanent, but it inhibits the stare for now."

Grumpy peaked over the edge of the wall, and his little jaw dropped. "Did you just _melt _the Care Bear stare?"

"I thought that since it was sweet, sugar must be a major component of it. The sugar crystals must also create tiny prisms, which is where the rainbow comes from. Once the sugar has been caramelized, the force isn't trapped in, so it escapes," Roy explained.

"You mean that that stuff is caramel?" Grumpy asked, his face lighting up. "Awesome!"

Grumpy got ready to jump into the pool of candy, but Roy held him back. "Just wait," he whispered, in his deep, booming, hunkular voice. "This might be our chance to beat them."

The Care-amel (hah!) was starting to solidify, but with another blast from Roy's fire power, it returned to a slightly more liquid consistency.

"Fullmetal," Roy said. "Tilt the street towards the Care Bears."

"What?"

"That's an order."

Edward shrugged, and used his alchemy to create a slight incline in the street, causing the sticky liquid caramel to drift slowly toward the Care Bears.

"They're going to run away." Edward observed as he figured out Roy's plan. "They aren't quite as stupid as I at first thought they were."

"Not if they can't," Roy replied. "See if you can't box them in, Fullmetal."

Not wasting any time, Edward performed a quick transmutation, causing the street on three sides of the Care Bears to shoot up high above them. He felt slightly evil as he watched the tribe of bears stare in horror at the river of caramel that they knew they couldn't escape. Some of them tried to climb over the top of the walls, but none succeeded. Slowly but surely, the melted mass of caramel gathered around the legs of the Care Bears, ending up about knee deep.

"What is this stuff?" Tenderheart demanded.

"It's just caramel," Grumpy replied, cupping his hands around his mouth. "It's not going to hurt you."

"It's kind of hot," yelled one of the Care Bear Cousins.

"It'll cool down," Grumpy yelled.

"That it will," Riza said, quietly. "To the point where it will be completely solid." Turning to Roy, she asked, "Colonel, what exactly are we going to do with them once it has solidified?"

"Let them free," he replied. "The agreement was that whoever wins the stare, calls the shots. We won. They have to go back without Grumpy. That is, of course, assuming you wish to remain a state alchemist."

"Of course I do," Grumpy said. "I've never had so much fun as I have here. But, can I talk to them first?"

"Of course. I need to go melt them out anyway."

For what seemed like ages, Ed, Al and Riza watched as Grumpy chatted with the Care Bears, Tenderheart specifically. While they could hear what they were saying, one could clearly see Tenderheart's face changing from enraged to more understanding and sad. Tenderheart gave one final nod, and then Roy Mustang began slowly melting the Caramel.

The sun began to set as the Ed watched the Care Bears walk into their ships, some looking back as they went in. Whether they were trying to catch one last glimpse of their previous member or of this strange world below the clouds, he wasn't sure. All he knew was that Grumpy's moronic life as a Care Bear was over, and his even more moronic life as the Fluffy Alchemist.

There. Done. Caitlin, I hope you're happy. No, this is not part of the story, it's a comment to a friend, just in case you did figure that out.


End file.
